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11:38pm 29/06/2011
  Two of my friends have lost their dads in the past 24 hours.
I couldn't sleep last night for thinking what would happen if I lost mine.
The thought actually TERRIFIES me.
I can't even write about it.
Comments: Cut Me.
06:15pm 28/03/2011
  I am absolutely seething.

a while ago I made myself a big savings jar, and so that I wouldn't be tempted to keep taking from it, I got my dad and brother to keep it in their gun cabinet as only they know where the key is and I can't get into it. Last tally I should have had about £500 in it.
Last night we ran out of heating oil, so earlier today I ordered some and thought I'll pay for it for a change- went to the jar and there's £150 left. I am so fucking sick and tired of my stuff going missing. I'm starting another jar- to be kept in MY room, and I'm saving like fuck to get the hell out of this house.
Comments: 1 Stitch - Cut Me.
12:19pm 14/03/2011
  5 years to the day since I tried to kill myself. It was a monday too. No wonder I hate mondays.

But I'm a better person now.
Comments: Cut Me.
06:30pm 27/02/2011
  Just had an epic hour long bath. Masses of bubbles, a good book, endless hot water.. what more could a girl want.

Also had a beautiful moment lying under the water just listening to my own heartbeat. I felt so safe ♥
Comments: 1 Stitch - Cut Me.
08:08pm 24/11/2010
  Sorry I've kinda lost track of this again. My laptop is dead, so i'm using my sisters and i can't remember all my bookmarks! Pray for my laptop! x  
Comments: Cut Me.
08:09pm 23/10/2010
  Started stretching my ears again 2 days ago- Oh the things I do when I'm bored! Went for my first haircut in a long time today, which was badly needed. Treated myself to a fringe too! Haha, went all out :p

Meant to be going out tonight but there'll be people there who make me feel uncomfortable so the thought of a bath and night in front of the fire just sounds blissful to me instead.
It was meant to be my day off today, but I got a phonecall just before 8am asking if i would do the Post Office. Well obviously there was no-one else so I had to, but I got out at 1pm, so it was all good. Went into town with Lynsey and got a couple of bits and pieces. Like hair dye. Need to do that tonight. My hair is so grey it's shocking. Honestly- I'm not old, just stressed ;)
Comments: Cut Me.
08:00pm 14/10/2010
  Day 30 – One last moment

A realistaion that I haven't been on here for a while!
I'm going to choose a moment that I'm looking forward to. Well, 2 moments. On the 11th November I'm going to see Ash in Edinburgh, and on the 12th, I'm seeing them in Dundee. I'm going alone and haven't been to Edinburgh since primary 6, and have never been round Dundee, but I'm wicked excited. At least I'll know some people at the gigs, so that won't be too bad. I would really like to travel more. I never did it before, apart from going to places I was used to, because of a severe lack of confidence, but I like to think I can change that.
I like to think i WILL change that :)
Comments: Cut Me.
10:35pm 04/10/2010
  Day 29 – Your aspirations

I'm currently on a healthy eating/get more exercise boost- long may that last. I really need to sort my health out. I've been fat all my life and I'm pretty fed up with it. I'm enjoying the new challenge so hopefully a lot of good will come from it. I'm also currently saving for my own place. I was thinking about renting, but buying makes more sense, but I've a long way to go before I could even think about actually buying somewhere, so I'll just keep saving.
So overall aspirations are to lose weight, feel better, move out and maybe find myself a nice boy (do they exist?)
Comments: Cut Me.
09:22pm 03/10/2010
  Day 28 – Something that you miss

Being in a relationship, my friends, and my grandad :(
I also miss my school days and not having a care in the world! Getting older sucks
Comments: Cut Me.
07:39pm 30/09/2010
  Day 27 – Your favorite place

Home. My bedroom. My bed. Or being in a long hot bubble bath. Or Scotland. Or at an Ash gig.
So many places I love ♥
Comments: Cut Me.
08:42pm 29/09/2010
  Day 26 – Your fears

physical fears- just spiders, heights and tomatoes I think

In general- being alone, my parents dying, never falling in love again, the future

I guess just what everyone else fears
Comments: Cut Me.
11:20pm 24/09/2010
  Day 25 – A first

Today I ate mange tout for the first time ever. Really getting into my vegetables these days! Need to sort my diet out
Comments: Cut Me.
12:13pm 23/09/2010
  Day 24 – Something that makes you cry

Everything in Day 22, lost friends, missed opportunities, my self doubt, everything about myself in general, sad songs, a lack of control
Comments: Cut Me.
10:03pm 21/09/2010
  Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better

Music, hugs, making plans, days away, gigs, driving, screaming, buying people gifts, nice texts, eating, hurting myself, shopping, daydreaming, getting drunk..
Comments: Cut Me.
09:06pm 20/09/2010
  Day 22 – Something that upsets you

Thinking of my Nana and Granda. My Granda died 13 years ago and it still hurts as much as ever. My Grandparents practically raised me. I used to come home from school and go straight to their house and stay there til all hours, even for days at a time. We lived right beside eachother with only a field separating us. I remember one time my sister and I woke up really late one night when we were kids and sneaked out of the house and made our way up the field in our bare feet in pitch blackness cos we knew the path so well :)
My Nana is still alive, but only just. She's had Parkinsons disease for 28 years, she's such a little trooper. She's only really went downhill this past couple of years. She's in a nursing home now and as much as I can't bear to be apart from her, it kills me to see her having wasted away so much. That's not the Nana I know. She's just a skeleton now who can barely talk, just sits shaking with her head down and her eyes closed and doesn't even know you're there sometimes. It actually hurts my heart to see her now. When she goes, it'll actually destroy me
Comments: Cut Me.
09:16pm 13/09/2010
  Day 21 – Another moment

This moment. Right now. I've just had a hot bath and taken painkillers because my body has been aching all day. I could actually cry. Now I'm sitting in my jammies, having a cup of tea and wasting time on facebook til the Inbetweeners comes on.

What an exciting life I lead!
Comments: Cut Me.
08:46pm 12/09/2010
  Day 20 – This month

I'm not gonna do the month thats just passed, I'm gonna do the one that's in front of me.
Well, I started my christmas shopping today so I hope to further that a bit more. Get it all out of the way so I can concentrate on saving to move out. I also start my full time supervisor/managers position so the money'll come in handy there! I'll also have much more to learn but hopefully it shouldn't be too hard to get to grips with- I've been there long enough.
Then it's my dads birthday, then my nanas, then my mums, and so many other peoples in my family too. October is such a shit month money wise for me, so i gotta get saved up for that.
So mainly the next month will all be about saving money. we'll see how that goes!!
Comments: Cut Me.
11:03pm 11/09/2010
  Day 19 – Something you regret

I regret not going to university. I regret not staying on at school and making something of myself. I wish I had the whole university/living away from home experience. Maybe even in a different country. I LOVE learning, i don't know why I just didn't keep at it. I could never go back and do it now though. I just don't have the confidence :(
Comments: Cut Me.
08:37pm 10/09/2010
  Day 18 – Your favorite birthday

Probably my 21st. Lynsey has taken me to Portrush for a couple of days and even though it poured out of the heavens, we still had fun on the beach :D I remember listening to Marilyn Manson MOBscene the whole way home on the train!
We got a taxi back to my house and just as we were approaching my house, i seen a huge bouncy castle in our garden. All my friends were there. We had a barbecue in the garage cos it was still raining and got super drink and acted like loons on the bouncy castle even though it poured :D then we all went up to my bedroom and huddled round my bed and watched the powerpuff girls movie haha!
So immature and childish, but so me :D
Comments: Cut Me.
09:34pm 08/09/2010
  Day 17 – Your favorite memory

Wow, I don't know, I have loads.
Just gonna pick a really random one.

My Nana and Grandas 40th wedding anniversary. It was a surprise and we held it up in Lady Adas tea room in The Argory. The whole family was there and in such good form, and my Uncle had told them he'd bought a new vintage car and was taking them out for a spin in it, and when they arrived there, we were all outside waiting for them. I've never seen my Nana smile so much ever.

I miss my Granda so much :(
Comments: Cut Me.